Riding the Bus

There are a few rules bus riders should know about. These rules benefit us all, so if you don't follow them, you earn the ire of your fellow passengers.

Getting On

- You're at a goddamn bus stop. Don't act all surprised when the bus shows up. Have your money ready before the bus gets there. Usually it's even within 15 minutes of you getting to the bus stop, unless the stupid bus runs late because of others who don't follow these rules. If you absolutely cannot have your money ready and feel you need to root through your purse, at least let the other passengers waiting at the stop with you get on first.

- Don't try and haul your two 24-packs of bottled beer for your 52nd birthday celebration onto the bus if you look like you're 85 and can't carry a gallon of milk. Sliding them on the floor doesn't count.

- Don't get on the bus before 9pm if you haven't showered in six months. People need to smell good for work. If they smell like they've been in the dumpster in the morning, their boss will think they don't spend money the right way. People also need to smell good for coming home. If they come home smelling like they've been in the dumpster all day, their spouse will assume they are actually unemployed, or that they had the scent of another woman on them and needed to cover it up.

Riding The Bus

- I realize that was OMG THE CUTEST PUPPY DOGG!!!! Take a photo with your cell phone instead of calling up your mentally retarded deaf boyfriend and telling him. There are people who do know how to use the cell phone properly in public, but you don't notice them because they're not shouting.

- If your cell phone rings on the bus and you're a shouter who's following the rule above, I admire your restraint. However, your ring-tone is a shitty toneless version of J.Lo loud enough to wake the dead. When it starts ringing, go ahead and turn the sound off. Or better yet, put in vibrate to begin with. Doubly so if the person calling you is likely to keep trying to reach you, assuming that you can't hear the ringer while you ignore them.

- Speaking of calling back, if you're talking to someone on the phone and you let them go, if they call you back something went wrong. I've been on the bus where you answered, hung up, answered, hung up, answered, hung up, -- the entire time I was on the bus. Clearly your "friend" wants to talk to you and you don't. Turn the phone off, or hand it to me and I'll throw it out the window and take care of the problem.

- Using your PSP to play 30-second clips of music videos is fine, if you want to watch 30 seconds of a video before moving to the next one. But guess what? Holding it up to your ear and turning the volume down slightly is not a good substitute for headphones.

- Speaking of headphones, if you're using some and I can hear your crappy gangsta rock five rows away, you're deaf and music is of no use to you. So turn it off.

Getting Off

- Say goodbye to your friend/neighbor/random-stranger-you-just-met-on-the-bus before the bus gets to your stop. When it comes to a stop and the doors open, you need to be standing at the door ready to hop off. When the bus stops, the absolute last thing for you to be doing is starting to say your 5-minute goodbye. You're holding up 45 other people who need to get to work. I realize that sometimes a conversation is really enthralling and it is possible to not notice when your stop is coming up, but you just pulled the stop request cord! Yes, you old asian lady. The stops are like 45 seconds apart. You certainly didn't pull the cord then get back into your enthralling conversation and forget your stop was coming up, did you? Pull the cord, say bye, walk to the door, and wait until it opens. It really is that simple.